A

 typical scenario for us redneck deer hunters is a return to our “deer camp” with the 30-06 and the O.S. Stenks buck lure and equipped with mosquito dope in anticipation of deer season. Many of us will arrive at a remote hideaway built, or rebuilt, and maintained by men. If there is a lady in our hunting club, we have little to fret over. But if the hunt crew is comprised entirely of men there are certain conditions that confront us which require attention before we can safely and somewhat comfortably launch into a deer season.

My experiences around deer camps have led me to compile a partial list of warnings and precautions that guide men in moving into these hazardous dens when mid-November rolls around. Warning: there is evidence that the following solutions have not been approved by any woman, living or now dead.

I use the approach taken by Jeff Foxworthy in identifying for his listeners whether or not they should consider themselves rednecks. If _ _ _ _ _ _ _ (fill in the blank) then you might want to take action before moving into the old camp house for another deer season.

First, identify food or anything that you could consider ingesting. If the catsup, either inside or outside the refrigerator, is black instead of red, you might consider taking action to replace it. If there is a frying pan on the stove with hardened grease in it showing the tracks of small mammals crossing through the grease more than twice, action might be required, perhaps heating the grease to high temperature before cooking your eggs.

If you look inside a cereal box and, upon counting to 10, see more than 10 living insects inside, you might want to replace the cereal. Don’t count the dead ones. If there is a water bucket that contains unidentifiable animal parts, consider rinsing it out before using it for drinking water. If you will use it for cooking water no action is required. Weigh your options for utilizing the meat.

If there are unidentifiable substances in open jars and bowls, you might call your deer hunting friends if you have a cell phone and try to learn the identity of each substance before eating it. If various soft foods have dried on your cutting board or cabinet top so that the wood is deeply stained, you might find a can of paint and spray paint the stains. Make a note to bring soap and a cleaning liquid to camp next deer season.

If every mouse and rat trap in the kitchen has a withered rodent in it, you might assume that there likely remain more of the same rodents as those now deceased. Take measures to reduce the remaining populations. Forget the sleeping quarters. You will never catch all the bedroom critters.

If upon approaching your bunk you notice the covers rippling and moving as if something is underneath them, there is likely something underneath them and you might choose to remake the bed and frighten away the critters. This could be done just before turning in to avoid having to take action twice due to critters returning before bedtime.

If it takes more than 15 minutes to locate a chair in which to sit due to the myriad of hunters’ items having inundated all the chairs in the room, affix a strip of bright orange tape to a long string tied to a leg of each future chair added to the room in order to facilitate finding it with less searching. Write off the original chairs because they will likely never be found.

If you are concerned about deadly black widow and brown recluse spiders, give your camp house a 15 second once over and if no spiders are detected don’t worry. Remember, if there are five deer hunters in camp and one is bitten, that one has only a 20 percent chance of being you. Forget about spiders.

If an outside water pipe leaks, you might simply place an old pan beneath the leak to catch water. Mammals that roam during the night, such as raccoons, possums and skunks, can drink from the pan instead of trying to break inside for water and disturb your sleep.

If the front steps are broken and threaten to give rise to broken ankles or legs, remember to step carefully when climbing them, perhaps using a pole on which to lean and reduce pressure on the steps. Never fix such broken steps because the others will discover your handiwork and you will be asked to fix the leaking outside water pipe, leak in the roof, the broken table leg and the light switch and the propane gas valve and goodness knows what all else.

I am still adding to my list of typical hazards around hunting camp houses and solutions to them. I have offered responses to the conditions here that include very specific actions, fragmentary actions and, whenever possible, circumventions. You can choose your own responses to these and any additional conditions you encounter at your own camp. The actions will guide you as you launch another deer season. And, don’t worry. There is a chance you might even survive.