Had I seen Ultraviolet when I was 13 years old I probably would have dubbed it one of the coolest movies ever.

And why not? It’s got everything a 13-year-old boy could possibly want in a movie: a hot vampire assassin babe who drives a gravity and physics-defying motorcycle that can run up the sides of buildings, has “black hole technology” that essentially lets her store any insane number of weapons in the gauntlets of her gloves (no, I’m not making this up) and gets into lots of stylishly choreographed fights with no shortage of guns and swords and even guns that are also swords. It’s stylishly shot with a very distinct comic book flair. It isn’t based on a comic, though it might as well be for all of its hyperactive sensibilities.

Milla Jovovich (The Fifth Element, Resident Evil) plays Violet, who used to be human until she was infected with an unnamed virus that turned a large portion of the populace into vampires. The government has done its best to wipe the vampire threat out but, thanks to the renegade resistance group Violet is part of, they are having a bit of a hard time. Until now.

There is a weapon the humans have developed that could wipe out the entire vampire population in one swift stroke. Violet manages to steal said weapon but commits the cardinal sin of looking inside the package. What she finds is a young boy whose DNA is apparently the catalyst for the vampire apocalypse. Violet didn’t want to see him get a new hole in his head, harbinger of doom or not, and so makes it her mission to keep him safe from the humans and vampires now in pursuit.

In short: the story doesn’t matter — at all. In the opening monologue, Violet tells us that she “comes from a world you might not understand.” It would have been far more appropriate for her to say, “I come from a world you probably won’t care about” since the whole ordeal is largely an incomprehensible mess. It’s based on one of the worst scripts in years and is pretty much just fodder for Violet to move from one fight scene to the next, which is fine honestly, since the fights are really pretty cool. They’re incredibly stylish and employ gratuitous use of writer/director Kurt Wimmer’s creation of Gun-kata, essentially the use of guns as a martial art first seen in his directorial debut film, Equilibrium. This basically involves lots of spinning and twirling and frenetic editing, but it’s fun and a nice variation on much of the twin-fisted gunplay seen in theaters in recent years.

It also helps that Jovovich is very physically adept and handles most of the fights with grace and panache, even if they are a bit short. I suppose that speaks well of the action, that I wanted more, but it was still unsatisfying that most of the fights lasted all of about a minute or so.

Truth be told, I really had no business enjoying this movie as much as I did. As mentioned earlier, the script is terrible, the acting even worse and I’ve seen X Box games that showcased better CGI graphics and special effects. The film is decently paced but it seems that Wimmer doesn’t really know what to do with his characters unless there are bullets whizzing past them. Even the villains are incredibly disposable and essentially serve as little more than targets for Violet to either: a. pump full of lead, b. slice in half, or c. both a and b.

And yet, despite all of its major shortcomings, I successfully managed to switch my brain firmly in the “off” position and have a good time despite no longer being 13. Oh, and more movies would benefit from having flaming sword duels at their climax.

Two stars out of Four. Ultraviolet is rated PG-13.