I will not cough.

Yes, flu season is here and battling the bug is very unpleasant. So, grab a tissue and take a slug of Nyquil or Dayquil – whatever your doctor has prescribed, tuck your fav soft and cuddly blanket around you and we shall commiserate together.

Someone asked if I had a little touch of the flu – I answered, “NO, I’ve had a Big Whack of the Flu.” Let me tell you all about it.

I attended a large convention in Jackson recently, actually I was on the program, and as I waited my turn to the podium, that’s when it started – Cough, Cough, Cough, Cough, Cough!

Oh my, suddenly it seemed all eyes were upon me but at the wrong time! There was a nice lady who offered me a stick of peppermint and it helped for a while, just a little while. And then it began again. If I could have slide on my belly to the water fountain, I would have. I was so embarrassed because I was certain EVERYONE could not hear the speaker because of me. Finally, I quickly made my getaway and headed for the lady’s room where I coughed myself silly and was certain it was safe to return to the convention hall, but I was wrong.

I was next on the program, and I knew the cough was here to stay so I decided to incorporate my coughing jag into my presentation. I think it worked. The ladies laughed as I explained the variations of a cough, you know like an art form.

Cough, sneeze, sore throat, clogged ears, watery eyes, headache, aching limbs, and tumbling stomach – all flu type complaints and most of the time they are not life threatening. However, when one is in the throes of the flu trauma, it certainly seems terminal.

As I have recovered, I’ve felt a little guilty about my loud complaints. I mean, Good Grief, I’m so healthy otherwise and I’m very thankful, but …

Yes, if I experience the flu bug again this year, I’ll probably whine – that’s just me.

Now that I am post flu bug, I have big plans. I shall avoid the aggravating kidney infections by gulping crabapple juice instead of my favorite, Diet Coke. I will. I will.

Gosh, I hope will.

I shall drink eight full glasses of water each day. I shall enjoy lovely green salads (even though Hubs calls that “Rabbit food”). I shall limit the fried foods and increase grilled or baked. I shall increase my grain input and lower fatty foods.

Uh-huh, sounds like a plan, and reminds me of a cute little joke sent to me by my cousin, June. It was sent to me as an email forward. I’m not quoting it word for word because it is a little lengthy:

The elderly husband and wife entered Heaven’s Gates at almost the same time. There waiting for them was St. Peter and he conducted a tour of their new Heavenly Home. He pointed out their beautiful mansion including a bathroom with a waterfall. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the huge closet. A championship golf course was located next door and there were no green fees. “All free,” said St. Peter. There was no gym for the bone-crushing workouts, like on Earth. No need to test sugar and blood pressure. The clubhouse offered a lavish buffet for every meal including steaks, seafood, and exotic desserts. The man commented, “Hmm, I don’t know about this. I have to watch my fat and eat foods low in cholesterol.” “Not in Heaven,” answered St. Peter. The old man glared at his wife and said, “You and your stinking bran flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!

Whoopee! No more coughing for me today — just a little bowl of bran flakes, a glass of crabapple juice, a nice salad in the frig and salmon on the grill for dinner.

Also, I have new plans. I shall live my wonderful Mississippi life, cough-free now and going to Heaven one day. Yeah!

Anne McKee is a Mississippi historian, writer and storyteller. She is listed on the Mississippi Humanities Speakers Bureau. See her website: http://www.annemckeestoryteller.com