Wishing to remain non-political in this article, it is difficult to not trigger thoughts of current/ongoing political issues, specifically as they relate to borders.  In the world of relationships and remaining (striving toward) mentally healthy, boundaries are vital.

Robert Frost, renowned poet, wrote the poem “The Mending Wall” in 1914. This poem discusses neighbors who have built and maintained a stone fence bordering their territory for years. With the natural consequences of time, the elements, and the shifting of earth, the fence degrades and neighbors meet then mend the fence. The most famous line from this poem is “Good fences make good neighbors…” The neighbors may like the fence for decoration. Maybe they want to make sure the other knows where their territory starts and ends. If a piece of the fence falls on one side, the owner of that side of the fence mends his side. All along, both are respecting one another.

What does that have to do with mental health? Because our lives don’t quite look like fences, it may be difficult to decipher boundaries in our lives. In human relationships, some of the greatest challenges come from boundary confusion. A few examples may help illustrate:

A loved one brings chocolate ice cream for a snack, but you really don’t like it and they know it. Your loved one reports that they like chocolate ice cream and so should you. (Do you have to like what they like? No)

A family member doesn’t like someone you like. They insist that you should not like them and really give you a hard time about it, even though you have no real reason to not like this person. (Do you have to feel a feeling someone else feels? No)

You are a good listener and often give time to others to listen and give solutions. Others really think that is great. You have many burdens upon your mind but others insist that their problems are heavier than yours. (Just because you are nice and wise, does that mean people should have limitless access to your ear and time? No.)

You have a car that you only use to go to the grocery store once a week. It feels good to be able to go when you want to and not ask someone else. A friend feels like you should allow them to use your vehicle whenever they need it, because you are better off than them. (Does the fact that you have something that you are not using entitle others to use it? No.)

These examples are just a few of countless scenarios in which figurative boundaries (fences) can easily be misconstrued.

I learned a lesson when I was in college that helped me understand boundaries. I was taking a college English class at a community college and had to write several essays. I wanted to do well and knew a professor of English at a large university. I contacted this individual and kindly asked that my essays be reviewed before the deadline. This individual kindly responded that I needed to go to the university writing center for assistance, as there were people there to help. At first, I felt frustrated and entitled to their time ‘because they are smart and nice and should give me their time and expertise’. But, it taught me that this thing was not their responsibility, that their time was valuable and devoted to other priorities, and that it’s OK to say ‘no’ to people and requests.

So, how do you set boundaries?

Ask yourself this question about the people in your life, “Where do I end (my “fence”) and they begin (their “fence”)?”

Decide what matters to you (time, space, safety, comfort, peace, companionship, etc).

Are there experiences in which your boundaries were stepped over and you were hurt (physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc)? How can you work to avoid that in the future?

Look into your own feelings and ask “What do I need? What am I feeling? What will be most beneficial to me?”

Let others know your boundaries. Be direct without the need to make excuses for why you have boundaries. They may be physical (“I don’t want people to touch me without my permission”). They may be spiritual (“I don’t believe in certain things and I will not participate.”). They may be emotional (“I don’t have to become upset just because my friend is upset.”). They may be relational (“I don’t have to do things with people I love if I don’t feel like it.”).

If someone does not understand, you can kindly clarify without feeling guilty.

Remember, how they feel about your boundaries is not for you to solve. You are you. Feeling fearful of rejection because of boundary-setting is natural. So is a sense of guilt. As boundaries are put in place, you gain the strength to be you.

Be patient with yourself as your boundaries are tested.

Work to make connections with people who will respect your boundaries.

Ask for help.

When our boundaries are very unclear, it will often show up with frustration in our relationships and we can be hurt in the process. These frustrations and hurts can damage our mental wellbeing over time and make us question ourselves. You deserve to be you. You deserve to be at peace. As you build clear boundaries, you will see the peace and strength emerging.

Spencer Blalock, DHA, LCSW, BCD, is a clinical specialist with Senior Care – a service of Rush Health Systems. If you are a senior adult struggling with worry, sadness, or loss and/or are struggling with coping with daily living, Senior Care can offer help and hope. Contact us at 601-703-4917 for more information or visit www.rushhealthsystems.org/seniorcare.