“My heart is hurting…Will it get better?”

How many people around you are hurting? Sometimes you can see the visible signs of pain; a grimace, a frown, a furrowed brow, tearfulness… And that’s just considering those with physical pain. How visible is emotional pain?

Pain comes in many forms. Physical pain is often addressed with medications, therapies, and treatments that are aimed at improving the functioning of the body or organs in order to reduce pain and heal the hurt. Gratefully, we live in a time in which advances in medicines and therapies are effective in reducing discomfort.

What about a hurting heart? I’m not referring to chest pain (If you have that, please seek immediate medical attention). I’m referring to the feeling of a broken heart. If you’ve experienced it, you know it is more than a state of mind; it’s an actual feeling.

Talking about a broken heart leads us to talk about the pain of loss. Losing someone we love can truly feel like the heart has been crushed. The pain of loss includes more than the loss of someone close to us. It can be losing a pet that has served as a companion. It can be loss of a friendship due to uncontrollable circumstances. It can be a loss of a human ability (sight, hearing, mobility, etc). It can be a loss of doing what you spent years accomplishing in your career as you retire. It can be loss of a community of support found in your religious group, social club, or neighborhood. The list could continue, but the main point is, “I had this and it helped me be a better me… and now it’s gone…”

Loss is one of those things that is hard to talk about. It’s hard for the one who lost anyone or anything to describe their feelings and thoughts, their sense of loneliness, their hurt, their feeling of “being lost”, their fear of being perceived as “weak”, their fear of “wearing other people out” with talking about the pain, just to name a few. On the other side, it’s often hard to know what to say or do as an observer or one who wants to provide support. There’s often apprehension to approach someone who has experienced loss. The thoughts/fears of the concerned observer are: “I might say the wrong thing…”, “I might trigger a bad memory…”, “I don’t think they will want to talk about it; I’m sure they have someone to talk to about this…”, “I don’t have the time to start this conversation so I won’t…”, among many others.

So, what can we do about it?

First, remember that there are many others around you that deal with different types of loss. Knowing that you’re not alone in your feelings is helpful. By doing this, a person recognizes they are not alone and accepts that the loss is real. When it can be named and claimed, it can be faced more effectively.

Second, understand that one of the most common negative reactions to loss is a desire to pull away from others (even the ones that are close to us). This desire to pull away is not a true intention of being alone. It is most likely an avoidance of others in order to not have to discuss or think about the pain of loss that is often inevitable in conversations with others. The remedy for this tendency is to push yourself to be around others and face talking about the feelings. This moves the feelings from the mind and heart so that it can be chipped away a little bit at a time.

Third, open your mind to a future with a renewed, hopeful vision. Pain is a part of the journey of life but does not define the entire journey. The most beautiful paintings and artwork are covered with varying shades of color. The brighter areas of the artwork (representing the good times) shine more as a result of the darker areas (representing the pain and loss). Your future can be brighter as you value the memories of the sources of the loss. You can mold your future with the good you have become as a result of the people and situations that are part of the loss and pain.

Fourth, understand that pain may return from time to time. Allow it to visit and remember it will leave again.

You are stronger than you know. You were made to adapt to change and have adapted to every change you have encountered. Be encouraged!

Spencer Blalock, DHA, LCSW, BCD, is a clinical cpecialist with Senior Care – a service of Rush Health Systems. If you are a senior adult struggling with anxiety, depression or grief and/or are struggling with coping with daily living, Senior Care can offer help and hope. Call 601-703-4917 or look up www.rushhealthsystems.org/seniorcare for more information.