Thousands of our female population are becoming deer season widows (DSWs). In fact the condition is happening to virtually every attached female except those who have wisely joined the throngs that annually hit the woods in search of deer.

    Factually, there are two distinct types of DSWs. There is the hard hearted gal who is happy about her autumn condition once deer season opens. Here we will call this one Relieved Rita (RR). And then there is the delicate type that we shall refer to as Clinging Clara (CC).

    Each of these lovelies can be quite easily identified by observing their behaviors about the time buck deer begin to rub their antlers on trees and similar hormonal changes come upon their husbands, some of whom may actually rub trees themselves.

    The relieved one, RR, gets very upset after about two weeks of her husband’s gear gathering, which typically begins in early July. Her displeasures intensify until opening day. Because of this annual required assembly of hunting gear, she renames her husband from Joe or Mack or Harold to “Have You Seen My.”

    When at long last our hunter leaves for deer camp (after having returned twice for things he understandably forgot) she enters a state of rejoicing. RR calls a like-minded DSW and together they celebrate, at first with excited chatter and later by going out together to a fine restaurant and then on a shopping spree. They buy things they have always dreamed of and then they buy other stuff just for the heck of it.

    When the hunter returns, RR never asks if her man bagged a trophy or brought home meat to substitute for that which they could have bought had she not spent their two-month food money.

    The other DSW, CC, stews over her husband’s leaving for deer camp, and often is seen wringing her hands and pacing the floor just to be pacing the floor. CC asks if he has his safety belt for tree stands and if there are safety belts for individual body parts and reminds him to use his car safety belt – several times.

    CC whimpers as her man says goodbye and her hugs literally take his breath away, often cracking multiple ribs He notices a tear seeping from her eye that brings on him an enormous increase in his already abundant guilt.

    When he finally leaves, CC calls her mother and agonizes to her. She finds friends of other DSWs and, with the other CCs among them, they sit around and lament profusely. 

    When our man returns at season’s end in February, the hugs are likewise breathtaking and the tears flow in sickening excess.

    Actually there used to be a third DSW, but it is hardly worth mentioning here because it became extinct about the time the carrier pigeon disappeared. We’ll call this one Grateful Gertie (GG). This one wished her husband well and smiled with pride as he left for the woods. She put away the residue of his gear gathering while he was gone and spent her days thinking of special recipes she would prepare for his homecoming.

    GG would have on her finest dress for his return at season’s end and that special dish hot and ready on the table. She would welcome him with warm kisses and tell him of her pride in his role as a provider. She would help him unpack and store his gear and together they would skin and butcher his deer.

    GG would sit forward in her chair to listen to his detailed stories of deer missed and deer finally bagged. She would oooh and aahhh at every turn of events and ask for more details.

    But, as noted GG is long extinct; only existing in the dreams of today’s male deer hunter.