By Jennifer Jacob Brown

jjacob@themeridianstar.com



Thirty-one-year-old “Susan Jones” has an amazing story to tell, but she can’t use her real name.

She’s overcome terrible adversity and has refused to let that adversity stop her from living her life, but she also has to wonder if her life will end in a violent act.

Susan was a victim of domestic violence, and lives every day with the reality that her abuser, unable to bear the thought of her independence, may come back to kill her.

“Don’t be surprised to read my death in the obituaries,” she said. “But I refuse to live my life in fear… I ask God for his divine protection and his divine help.”

With her strong faith, perseverance, self-esteem, and the help of Meridian’s Care Lodge Domestic Violence Shelter, Susan escaped a husband who beat her and threatened her life. Now, she is a success story, working to take care of her three young children while she puts herself through college. There, she is on the dean’s list, and will soon be able to fulfill her dream of becoming an independent professional.

Susan came to Care Lodge once shortly after her abuser became violent, but went back to him. But one day, wielding a knife at her, he threatened to kill her. “I knew then it was time to go,” she said.

She found Care Lodge, a shelter that takes in victims of domestic violence and helps them reassert their independence.

Now that she is out on her own, away from her abuser, Susan said, “It’s so restful at night,” and has some advice for other women who are suffering from abuse. “Don’t go back.”

At Care Lodge, Susan learned about what is referred to as “Honeymoon Time.” This is the time after a period of abuse in which the abuser says he is sorry and stops the abuse temporarily. That time, Susan said, always ends. Eventually, the abuser will become abusive again.

“Don’t think you’re going to change them,” Susan said, “I don’t care how many small children you have, I don’t care how many bills you have. Don’t go back.”

Many women stay in domestic violence situations because they still love their abuser, because of their children, or because of financial dependence on the abuser, Susan said.

Other things that might cause women to stay are fear that their abuser will become more violent if they have to leave, feeling too ashamed to admit that they are in a domestic violence situation, hope that things will get better, low self-esteem, or family pressure to stick it out and make their relationship work.

Because there are so many reasons that a woman might feel compelled to stay with her abuser, Care Lodge Executive Director Leslie Payne said, “I’m never judgmental when someone goes back.” In her 15 years at Care Lodge, Payne says she has developed a strong respect for a woman’s right to choose what to do in a domestic violence situation.

“A woman has two choices to make,” said Payne. “She can either stay in the relationship or she can leave. And both choices are very difficult. To go into a situation where you have no money, you’re isolated from your friends and family, and you’re just out there by yourself. It’s scary.”

Another reason women may stay in a violent relationship — they’ve just given up. They feel that they have no other avenue and become resigned to the idea that they are stuck in the cycle of violence and will never have means to escape.

They are overcome by a feeling of hopelessness, which Payne said she believes is the worst feeling one can have. “We offer hope to those who seem to be in a hopeless situation,” she said.

“I had to give so much,” Susan said, “but I didn’t give up hope… It was an opportunity to make a better life for my children, and I just could not give it up.”

Payne sees Susan as an inspirational figure when the nation has fallen on hard times, and the news is filled with stories of despair.

“Here is a story of hope,” she said. Here is a story of a woman who has taken back control of her life and her children. And she is moving forward.”

Payne said there are a few red flags for a relationship that could become abusive. If a man becomes controlling, trying to tell his partner what to wear, who to talk to, or where to go, if he tries to isolate his partner from friends and family, if he becomes extremely jealous, or if he frequently makes derogatory comments such as “I’m the only one who will ever love you,” he may become physically abusive.

Susan said she saw some of these red flags from her abuser, and once the abuse began, she didn’t stick around as long as many women do. But though she has escaped the relationship, she knows she is not completely out of danger.

“I know he’s plotting my death,” she said.

“The potential for lethal violence in any domestic violence situation is always there,” Payne said. “Women are at their most vulnerable when they leave… when they show the abuser ‘I don’t need you, I can do this by myself’… I think that an abuser thinks, ‘If I can’t have her, no one will’.”

In some cases, battered women can end up in jail after killing their abusers in self-defense.

Care Lodge is committed to offering victims a way out of domestic violence situations as well as support and resources after they leave.

Along with their 24 hour emergency shelter, Care Loge offers counseling and case management, information and referrals for other agencies that can help, a victim’s advocacy program for legal services, law enforcement, and social services, and a children’s program designed to help children break the cycle of violence.

Payne said Care Lodge, which is a non-profit organization, is always happy to accept donations. Because they help families establish themselves for independent living, they are happy to take donations of clothing and household goods as well as monetary gifts. Payne said Care Lodge will take donations of “just about anything,” but that they don’t generally have a need for appliances or men’s clothing.

Payne said Care Lodge is always in need of food donations because they serve 22,000 to 25,000 meals a year. Canned foods and non-perishable food items are welcome donations.

Care Lodge provides shelter for an average of 18 to 21 victims at any given time, but gets busier during the Christmas season along with summer and other breaks from school.

Payne said domestic violence can increase during the holiday season because of the stresses that go along with it. She said Care Lodge shelters more victims during school holidays because mothers don’t have to take their children out of school to come to the shelter at those times.

Year-round, the shelter relies on the generosity of the community.

“Without the community supporting Care Lodge, we couldn’t turn around and provide services to victims,” she said.

“Believe me,” Susan said, “it’s a need for them and they do a beautiful job.”

To donate, call the Care Lodge administrative office at (601) 482 – 8719.

If you are a victim of domestic violence and want to seek help, you can call the Care Lodge 24 hour crisis line at (601) 693- HOPE, contact your local police department, or call the national domestic violence hotline at 1-800-799-7233.



Suggestions for helping a victim of domestic violence



• Show them a list of warning signs (available at the Care Lodge administrative offices on 23rd Avenue or at www.carelodge.com) and tell them about Care Lodge.

• Let them know they are not alone. Tell them no one deserves to be abused.

• Support them. Be a good listener. Be

understanding and compassionate.

• Encourage them to go to the police and/or

hospital. Help them devise a safety plan. Advice on creating a safety plan is available at www.carelodge.com.



(Source: Care Lodge)



Domestic violence

facts and statistics



• Between 3 million and 4 million women are

battered each year.

• Every 9 seconds a woman is beaten in the United States.

• 85 to 95 percent of all domestic violence victims are female.

• Women ages 20-34 endure the highest rates of domestic violence.

• Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women.

• Domestic violence is the leading cause of fetal death.

• 40 to 60 percent of men who abuse women also abuse their children.



(Source: Care Lodge)



Escaping domestic violence



• For Care Lodge’s 24 hour crisis line, call (601) 693-HOPE (693-4673). To find the shelter nearest you, call the national domestic violence hotline at 1-800-799-7233.

• Be ready to leave: Pack a bag with clothes, money, and important papers and telephone numbers and keep the bag in a safe place with a friend or family member.

• Find a safe place: If your home is not safe, go to a friend’s house, a shelter, or a motel.

• Plan how you will leave: If you will leave by car, keep gas in the tank and have keys accessible. If you will leave by bus or taxi, have money for fare, know the station location, and know the number to call for a taxi. If you will leave on foot, know where you can go and who you can call.

• Talk to your kids: Tell them the abuse is not their fault. Tell them to stay out of the fighting, and teach them to call 911 or seek help from a neighbor. Children mimic the actions of parents. It is very important to teach kids about a healthy relationship. If you don’t, the cycle may continue.



(Source: Care Lodge)