Got a problem you'd like to share with Sidney? Write to her at: The Meridian Star, P.O. Box 1591, Meridian, MS 39301 or e-mail her at sidneycovington@comcast.net. All submissions are confidential and go directly to Sidney.
Dear Sidney,
I am 43 years old, I have been married for 23 years. The problem is the last eight years have been a sheer disaster. After I read the letter Desperado sent in, I had to wonder if we were married to the same man.
My husband makes no type of romantic gestures, sometimes we go for as long as a year without having sex (I wanted to see just how long he would go without, before I mentioned it). He's in the habit now where he pretend's that he's watching tv on the big screen (which is located in the den) until he thinks I'm asleep then he'll come to bed (there is a tv in our bedroom, just not a 60").
My husband works as a driver and is away from home for 5 days a week at least, so cheating would be very easy for him. He has had two affairs that I know of for sure. We have two boys, one which is a senior. Most of our marriage I have been a house-wife, so I have always been very involved in our children's social and school activities. We have always had a fair amount of money in the household, we are not wealthy, but we are comfortable (at least we were). Lately, we don't have money to pay the bills, even money for groceries seems to be a struggle. Thing is my husband’s work schedule hasn't changed, in fact I have since gotten a job to help make ends meet, but it seems when I got a job he started paying less bills.
My children have asked me time and time again why do I stay? My answer is I am scared to death to be on my own, I don't have a clue about what step I need to take first. I have asked my husband about counseling, but he says we don't need it. Most of the time when I try to talk to him he pretends to watch tv and wants me to repeat what I said over and over again. For the past six years he "has to work" for any and all major holidays (christmas included).
Like Desperado it would be easy for me to cheat also, but I choose not to, I married for better or worse. Problem is I think worst has taken over better. What is the first step I need to take? I also want to add that my husband has had my name removed off all his accounts at the bank. When the children and I need something (need not want) I have to call him and ask for what we need and tell him what we want the money for. I never really thought of this as a problem because he says it's his money.
Confused and in need of Advice
Dear Confused,
I'm confused, too ... about what it is you're confused about. Sure doesn't sound like a marriage to me.
While I don't advocate divorce in any kind of knee jerk reaction, I do question why you're still in this relationship. Except for having two children between you and that part about "sometimes going for as long as a year without having sex," you've described a roommate and not a marriage partner. Nowhere in your letter did you mention the word "love."
What are you getting out of this "relationship?" For that matter, what's he getting out of it – other than a 60" television? He's totally avoiding you, has cut you off romantically and emotionally, has a history of affairs, has no accountability of his whereabouts due to the type of job he has, has removed your name from all accounts at the bank, isn't home for major holidays, has refused counseling and makes you account for any money you spend for household needs.
If you don't look out for your future welfare and that of your children, who will? Obviously, not Mr. Wonderful.You asked me what the first step you need to take. Call a lawyer. You need one.
Love, Sidney
• Sidney Covington has a master's degree in counseling. She is a patient advocate and public relations representative for Riley
Hospital.
