Got a problem you'd like to share with Sidney? Write to her at: The Meridian Star, P.O. Box 1591, Meridian, MS 39301 or e-mail her at sidneycovington@comcast.net. All submissions are confidential and go directly to Sidney.
Dear Sidney,
Please help with my problem. I am a married 41-year-old woman and have been married to my husband for 10 years. We lived together a few years before we married. My problem is quite depressing and from what I understand, pretty rare, according to the few friends I have discussed this with.
My husband never wants to have sex. When we do, I am usually the one who approaches him. I know what you are probably thinking, low testosterone, right? No, he has been to a urologist and his levels are where they should be. This has become quite a problem in our marriage, and we usually end up fighting when I try to talk to him about the issue. I think sex once a week would be nice, even though I would love more. Once every month or two is normal for us, and I feel like I have to beg for it.
This raises a lot of questions for me. Is my husband having an affair? Is there something wrong with me? I can't talk about it with him, cause he says it is selfish of me. I have begged him to go to counseling and of course he will not go. I feel so ugly and undesirable. He is 46 years old and has no health problems. I know that this problem is usually the other way around and it is the male that is standing in the shoes I am in right now. This has been going on for about five years and I am at the end of my rope. I have tried everything I could think of, and it just seems hopeless. His response is "I'm not 18 anymore." Well hell, I'm not either. I am very attracted to my husband, and I always feel he is holding the intimacy over my head, which really hurts me. I know that I could easily have an affair, but that is not what I want. Any ideas?
Desperado
Dear Desperado,
You're right ... generally the shoe is on the other foot.
God, in His infinite wisdom, created women to bear children for only so many years while man, given all things and parts working, can father them until the last hurrah. Consequently, our sexual desires respond according to that same plan. Now, before someone throws stones at me, remember, I'm not the one that created the plan and I KNOW that there are exceptions to all of this. Does he still tell you that he loves you? Does he communicate his love in other ways? Sadly, it's possible that his love for you has waned, but only you would know that. If he's having an affair, there are some very definite signs that could indicate that – none of which I'll list here.
You say that the doctor says that everything's working and that hormones aren't to blame. There's always the possibility that there's a deep, underlying psychological explanation for this, but whether you can ever find that out is going to be the difficult part. I'm sorry that he won't get counseling because a trained therapist could help guide both of you through some issues that might yield very positive results. Regardless, I urge you to seek the help of a therapist and I wish you only the best.
Love, Sidney
• Sidney Covington has a master's degree in counseling. She is a patient advocate and public relations
representative for Riley Hospital.
